I have been itching to talk about something super personal to me for a while now, and I feel like it’s finally time. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to talk about this publicly, but God has been whispering in my ear for some time now that someone needs to hear this, and that’s something I can never ignore. Before reading any further, know that I’m not sharing this to victimize myself or to receive any sympathy, but simply to help anyone who went through or who is going through the same thing.
A little over a year ago, I was sexually assaulted. The next morning I had a pit in my stomach the size of a basketball and I knew my life had changed forever. Sex has always been something very sacred to me, so this completely tore me into pieces. I was pushed so far off the edge that I thought I’d never recover. I spent the next night crying in the bathroom for about 5 hours, thinking that I was forever broken; that I was permanently damaged and that I lost a piece of myself I’d never get back. I didn’t even fully grasp what had happened to me in that moment, I just remember thinking to myself that life would never be the same again, no matter how much I wanted it to. I’d changed. Everything had changed.
The weeks and months that followed were very very dark. I spent the next few weeks consumed by the dark energy that forced itself into my body. There were certain smells that would trigger me, moments I blocked out in my head that would pop back up again randomly, & moments when I wanted nothing more than to jump out of my own skin; I no longer felt at home in my body. I spent nights begging God for forgiveness in moments where I blamed myself, & spent every moment of the day trying to feel whole again. More than anything, I just felt so ashamed. I was consumed by what had happened to me & that’s when I knew I had to take a few months of my life to just focus on healing. Of course, I don’t believe you can ever “fully” heal from something like this and in a way it will always be a part of you, but I can now say that I’m in the best place mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I’ve ever been in in my life. I want to share my healing process with you all in hopes that I can inspire someone else to take something SO dark and turn it into gold.
The start of my biggest spiritual awakening yet was sparked by this very moment. I couldn’t ignore the difficult, messy work I had to do on myself any longer and I knew something within me had to change. Instead of ignoring the darkness within myself and running away from it, I decided to finally face it. I cried, a LOT. Like multiple times a day a lot. I allowed myself to feel it all. I punched my pillow, screamed, & journaled it all out. I dove into the world of personal development and worked towards understanding myself and why I thought/acted the way I did. I dove into my childhood and worked every day on fixing those traumas that were deeply embedded within me. I faced those parts of myself I hated and made peace with them. I forgave myself for everything I ever did that I wasn’t proud of. I took full responsibility for my life and everything that happened to me up until then and worked on healing myself daily so I could attract better. I spoke up about what had happened to me to my friends and those closest to me instead of keeping it a big, dark secret. I started doing more of the things I love and stopped procrastinating on my dreams. I started putting myself first and eliminating anything in my life that no longer felt good to me. Most importantly, I made God number one in my life again and brought him back into my heart and soul. Building a relationship with him and trusting in him fully became my number one priority.
All of this work I did was hard, scary, and absolutely terrifying but it’s what needed to be done for me to release the pain of what had happened to me. The more we keep things inside of us, and the more we try to run away from the darkness and pain, the longer we are procrastinating what eventually needs to be done for us to feel free. Even though I would never wish that same situation on ANYBODY, I am grateful for it now because it shaped me into the woman I am today. I was pushed so far into the darkness that I had no choice but to turn to God and strengthen my connection with him again. I was forced to really look into myself and face it all, including the darkness, & take every broken piece that’s ever been inside me in order to make myself whole again. Even though I don’t believe that anyone deserves to be sexually taken advantage of or abused, I do believe that we can attract these situations into our life at times to force us to look deeper into ourselves and what we are reflecting back into the universe. I can honestly say that at that time in my life, I hated myself so much and was not treating myself with the love and respect I deserved. I really thought poorly of myself, and therefore, attracted someone into my life that reflected that back to me. When I realized that this person was just a mirror of my own self, it forced me to go back into myself and start my deep healing process. Not only that, but it made it easier to get rid of the “victim” mentality (which is only ever hurting yourself), truly forgive him, and truly forgive myself so I could be free.
I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that everything is part of God’s divine plan for us. If I was never thrown into this situation, I never would have completely changed my life the way I had or be in the beautiful place I am today. Everything in life is about perspective, and I chose to look at an awful situation in a positive way. I took the darkest thing that I’ve ever experienced and turned it into light. Instead of letting the devil absolutely break me, I took back my power and am now stronger than I’ve ever been in my whole entire life. I can honestly say I am proud of the woman I am today, so much so that it brings tears to my eyes. I’m no longer that self-destructive girl with low self-esteem that has absolutely no boundaries with anyone and feels absolutely powerless. I’m now a whole woman that feels absolutely full, loved, strong, brave and capable without any validation from anyone other than God. I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been and that close connection has lead me to trust in his word and in my intuition with every step I take. I no longer feel unloved or alone because I have myself, and most importantly, I have God. I value sacred sex now even more than ever before and I treat my body with the love and respect that it deserves. I absolutely cherish my body and I finally feel at home again in it, too.
It’s unfortunate and heartbreaking to know how many women experience sexual assault/abuse everyday, to the point that it’s almost normalized in our culture. When I started talking to my friends about what happened to me I realized that I was not alone, and that so many women don’t even realize they’ve been sexually taken advantage of until they hear similar stories from others. Sexual assault looks different in different situations and if you’ve experienced this in any way, shape, or form, my heart goes out to you and you are not alone. I want you to know that there is a way out of the darkness, and that no one has the ability to take your light away from you. You CAN come out of this stronger, lighter and brighter than ever before and you WILL. Your traumas do NOT define you and you always have the choice to take your power back. We are not what has happened to us, but what we decide to do with it. & remember, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. <3
love you all so much and am here for you always,
You are stronger than you know.